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This afternoon, while reading one of my favorite sites (reddit.com), I noticed a thread that said “I’m against picketing, but I dont know how to show it.” Immediately i knew this was about Mitch Hedberg, the stand-up comic who died a few years ago.

Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg is downright hilarious. His delivery is somewhat similar to Stephen Wright. Very dry, very random, very observational. I could, and almost want to go on for hours about Mitch Hedberg, but instead I’ll just post some of his material that i can either recall off the top of my head, or from the thread on reddit. Enjoy. And every time you giggle, I win. Post how many times I won in the comments

…(and apologies for some coarse language)….

• I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be very mad if she heard me say that
• I like the UPS guy because he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it
• “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
• Traffic lights are like…..green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. But with bananas, it’s totally different. Green means whoa man, slow down. Yellow means go ahead. Red mean where the fuck did you get that banana.
• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”
• I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
• “I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls… but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, ‘Fuck it, cut em up!’”
• I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: “Hey man! Don’t you even act like I didn’t buy this donut! I have the receipt… damn … I forgot it… at home… in the filing cabinet… under D… for donut.” We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I give you the money, you give me the donut. End of transaction.
• “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, and I said NO, but I’m gonna want a regular banana later, so YEAH.”
• Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus… one of those two doesn’t sound right.
• In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackey the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think it’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog …’ You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what his natural environment.
• wearing a turtleneck with a backpack is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
• “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
• A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
• “You know they call corn-on-the-cob ‘corn-on-the-cob’ right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that ‘corn’. They should call every other version ‘corn-off-the-cob’. It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm ‘Mitch’. But then reattach it and call it Mitch-all-together!”
• A friend showed me a picture and said “this is what I used to look like.” When you think about it, all pictures are what you used to look like. One of these days someone’s gonna say “here is a picture of what I will look like in the future.” And I’ll say “where the fuck did you get that camera?!”

and one to sum up Mitch all at once…

• I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

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